Just over a year ago, religion scholar, author, editor, and Sunstone favorite Jana Riess began “Twible” (rhymes with Bible), a three-plus year project to “tweet” one Bible chapter a day. Employing a light-hearted style typical of much of the communication one finds on Twitter, the social medium that limits messages to 140 characters or fewer, Riess releases a description of, and sometimes biting commentary on, a different Bible chapter each day. You can subscribe to “Twible” by adding the Twitter feed for “@janariess” or by becoming a Facebook friend of “Jana Riess.”
The following are some of our favorite Twible tweets to date:
Genesis 1: After 6 days creation, G totally wiped. Day off tomorrow. Key point: human beings v good. M & F in G’s image.
Genesis 2: 2nd creation story. G forms Adam from dust; v green, 100% recycled material. Eden good. Don’t eat that tree. Yup, that 1.
Genesis 9: They’ve de-arked. G sends rainbow to promise he’ll never again off us by flood. Keeps earthquakes, tsunamis in reserve.
Genesis 10: Begat, begat, begat. Name index includes Ludium, Lehabim & Jerah, all now available by prescription. Ask yr dr abt Ophir.
Genesis 17: Abram now Abraham. G not thinking ahead re: Twitter character count. Name longer; foreskin snipped. Tradeoff.
Genesis 18: Ab: What if 50 righteous are in Sodom? G: OK, I won’t torch if I find 50. Ab: 45? 40? 30? 20? 10? G: OK, OK! Lay off!
Genesis 20: Ab pulls the “she’s my sister” thing again; successfully pimps out Sarah for more sheep, oxen & slaves. Yay Father Ab!
Ex 2: Baby Moses: I’m cool with floating down the Nile in a basket, but who is this Egyptian chick I’m supposed to call Mom?
Ex 4: G imparts cool parlor tricks & says to let Him do the talking. Mo’s Wife Zippy performs bizarre Time-Life home circumcision.
Ex 12: G starts cooking show w only unleavened ingreds. Heb viewers follow tips; their 1stborns are saved. Egp’ns don’t have cable.
Ex 20: G’s Top 10. No gods, idols, blasphemy. Keep Sabbath holy & love Mom. Don’t kill, cheat, steal, lie, or look @ Xmas catalogs.
Ex 26: G gets seriously overinvolved in blueprints for Tabernacle. Hires HGTV designer to ensure purple & crimson drapes will “pop.”
Ex 34: Once more, with feeling! G has Mo do the 2 tablets all over again. G insists he is slow to anger. Well, except that one time.
Overview of Leviticus: Don’t eat this. Don’t screw that. Don’t touch this. Don’t DO that. Thus saith the Lord.
Lev 5: You’re unclean if you touch a pig, swear aloud, or sin by accident. Apologize to OCD G; slaughter ewe. Rinse. Lather. Repeat.
Lev 15: Bodily discharge v bad in both genders. Wash your sheets. Don’t even think abt having sex. You just thought it, didn’t you?
Lev 18: Incest is v bad. Don’t go there with yr mom, sister, daughter, aunt, or SIL. And don’t sacrifice your kids to Molech. Thx.
Lev 25: Every 7th year, give the land a rest. Every 50th, free some of yr slaves & cancel credit card debt. Jubilee or infomercial?
Num 1: One. One tribe of Israel! Two. TWO tribes of Israel! Ah, ah, ah. Everyone except tribe of Levi has to fill out census forms.
Num 4: News flash: Ancient Levites were actually Episcopalians. Intense preoccupation w sacred objects, violet cloths, oil & incense.
Num 19: CSI: Canaan. All forensic specialists are unclean. Don’t touch a corpse, bone, or grave. You will spread Bible cooties.
Num 33: Trip review: we started in Egypt, walked a lot, camped, sent postcards & kvetched. Aaron died @123. Was it the McManna?
Overview of Deuteronomy: Moses’ Big Speech. Like when you get to Disney but can’t enter until AFTER Dad’s lecture re: how to behave.
Deut 2: Wow, that Toastmasters class really helped Moses. He’s come a long way from being “slow of speech” to a 30-chapter good-bye.
Deut 5: 10 Comms, Take 2. But now we don’t just “remember” the Sabbath; we have to “observe” it. Drat. Farewell, handy loophole.
Deut 14: From “Don’t boil kid in Mom’s milk” we get diff pots 4 meat/dairy. I can’t haz cheeseburger. Why do we make religion hard?
Deut 15: Whew, 6 years of papers are graded & I’m finally on sabbatical. Aaaah. Too bad I also have to free my grad student slaves.
Deut 23: Important penis update: You can’t be w holy folk if you’re castrated, have crushed testicles, or had a recent wet dream.
Deut 32: Mo sings country ballad abt G’s achy-breaky heart. G hides face; rips pix from better times. Will Isr give the truck back?
